For The Moment
by Whistler's Girl
Disclaimer: I disclaim to own the creations of Joss. Or anything else
for that matter.
Author's Notes: Sequel to `Love You Enough (To Leave You)', `Gone But Not Forgotten', `The Right Place To Stay' and `If Only You Knew'. I suggest reading them or this might not make too much sense.
Spoilers: References to `The Gift'.
"Perdition catch my soul, But I do love thee; and when I love thee not, Chaos is come again." - Othello, Shakespeare
You know that saying, `out like a light'? Well that's what B pretty much was like – head hit the pillow and she was quite literally out like a light, tangled up in my arms, her face inches from mine. Pulling myself out of her grasp without waking her was kind of a trial, but I managed it.
I'm sitting on the edge of the tub in the bathroom, cordless phone in hand and the door open a crack so I can still see B curled up on the bed. I seriously don't know how I lasted so long without being close to her, even this few metres distance right now is tearing me up inside. I'm trying to punch in Angel's number without taking my eyes off of B, but it's not as easy as you would think.
I remember how I said to Angel that if I was to ever come into contact with B again, he'd be the first one I'd tell. I'm damn well eager to keep that promise. You see, me and Soul Boy don't have secrets from each other – it makes things easier for us to understand where the other is coming from. It's a fucked up friendship that's co-dependant a lot of the time; B and me used to have a lot of arguments over it, about how I told Angel everything before I told her, about how I asked him for advice, about how I relied on him. Generally she was wrong and I think she knew it at the time, it was all just jealousy – wild, furious jealousy that she didn't have a clue how to control.
I eventually hammered it into that stubborn little blonde head of hers that she was number one on my list of people and pretty much always would be. It was the truth, that's for sure.
I take in one last glance of Buffy before concentrating on the phone in my hand. I'm quick to punch in the number, knowing it by heart, and lift the phone to my ear. Man, I'm screwed up. I've just reunited myself with my girl and I'm giving her ex a heads up. Nice prioritising, Faith. Christ.
So I tell Angel the sitch, well, I more like babble to him but lets not get picky. He's silent for a long time and it feels like my heart is being squeezed by an ice cold fist. This is one of those awkward silence moments, straight up. I say his name…once…twice.
"I know, I can hear your non-breathing."
"Have you really thought this through?"
"If its an honest answer you're after then…no."
He's silent again, even longer than last time – but now it's a silence I'm comfortable with. I remember when Buffy took me back to Sunnydale with her for a couple of weeks when we first hooked up. I'd call Angel every other night and we'd just sort of…listen. It was like a comfort thing – he knew I was here and I knew he was there. I quickly grew out of my pining for him, coz I had B and she was pretty much all I needed.
"How did she react?"
"Better than I expected, actually. She only threw me across the room once."
"Are you hurt?"
"Don't be an idiot."
"So what happens now?"
Good question, Soul Man. Shit. What *does* happen now? Is it really at all possible that B would take me back with open arms after a year. What am I thinking? She's probably got some other honey in the shadows somewhere. I know Cordy told me B was playing it single, but even the grapevine queen herself can't know *everything*. Well, I never saw her bring anyone back to the apartment – and if I had I woulda kicked the shit out of him…her. Whatever. I don't know. I can't think about this right now.
"I guess…I'll just have to see how it goes, y'know? Remain neutral until the storms died out."
"Faith…it's not gonna be easy. You're gonna need a lot of patience – "
"Yeah, yeah. I still got Wesley's patience technique fresh in mind. Take a deep breath, count to ten, raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens blah-blah-blah."
I held my right hand out in front of me, examining my nails. Get ready for the warnings.
"Just don't expect too much just yet – take it easy."
"I hope this isn't another of your momentary living phases…Buffy will only take so much."
I swap the phone to the other side.
"I'm pleased for you Faith. You and Buffy are…great together. You make her so happy it could make up for all the misery both you and I have caused in the past."
"Thanks." I utter monotonously. Never one to lack on the melancholy is our Dark Avenger. "I'll treasure that comment for the rest of my life, no really, I will." My sarcasm could drip venom if it were a physical object of sorts. Still, Angel chuckles and mentions something about Fred calling earlier on. I'm about to tell him I'll call her straight after we hang up when I hear B whimper from the next room. I lean back and peer through the crack of the door. B's head is rocking from side to side, like she's having a nightmare. Not good.
I'm quick to tell Angel I gotta go and I hang up before he can respond. I creep out of the bathroom and approach the bed. The springs creak as I climb onto the mattress behind B and gently drape an arm over her waist, shaking her slightly. I've had to do this so many times – especially those first few weeks we were together. It was always about that last confrontation with that Glory chick, that B lost and Dawn was…well. You can guess.
I whisper her name against her ear, smoothing her golden hair back from her face and she murmurs, writhing around under my arm. God I missed this. Am I demented in some way? I missed waking my girlfriend from a nightmare? Shit I should really ask Wesley to start up those meditation therapy sessions again. Second time's lucky as she startles awake all of a sudden. She groans and turns her head, her eyes locking with mine. A gentle smile sets her face aglow and she rolls onto her other side so she's looking at me, her hands tucked underneath her chin.
"I knew you'd come back." She whispers, blinking sleepily. "…just didn't know when."
She really does drive me crazy – in good ways, and bad ways. When I left her I expected her to move on and forget, you know. Guess what? I was wrong. Always wrong, always making bad decisions, always making stupid dumb ass mistakes. Why can't I just get my fucking act together for once and for all? So many marks in the con list; makes me wonder if there is a pro list at all. Why can't B just be predictable? That would make life a helluva lot easier for yours truly. But then again life isn't supposed to be easy for me, is it?
Roll up, roll up. Welcome to Redemption Road, the rockiest road in all the world. Take a walk with the shadows and lost souls. It's a ride you'll never forget…probably because it's a ride you'll never get off.
If I'm not careful, I'm gonna end up with a permanent scowl like Soul Man. Sure, it looks great on him – but I don't think scowls like that come in my colour.
B runs a finger down the bridge of my nose and then places a kiss there, pressing her forehead against mine.
"I might have to kick your ass, Faith," she reaches down and takes my hands into hers. "You scared a good ten years off of my life. Could be time for payback." She takes her time planting soft kisses on each of my fingertips. Hot sensations shoot through my nerves, and its not long until every blood cell in my body is boiling for her. A dull ache runs up and down my spine as she runs the back of her hand down the side of my face, her mouth brushing against mine.
Angel's voice rings in my ears… `have you really thought this through?'
I'm in too much delirium to even give fleeting thought to what the consequences of this could be, right now. I'm in too fucking deep, now. When we make love I never wanna think about anything but tearing the clothes off of her, her skin touching my skin, her panting against my ear, her fingers in my hair, her sweat on my tongue, her teeth in my shoulder as she muffles her moaning, her voice when she screams my name.
`Have you really thought this through?'
She recovers and I'm on my back. She straddles my waist, swooping down and crushing my lips with hers. I don't care about consequences right now. All I care about is the feel of her breasts against mine, her lips on my neck, her fingers inside me, her words of reassurance against my ear, her mouth on mine as she swallows my cries.
`Have you really thought this through?'
If there are any consequences, they can wait until later, but for now it's all about living for the moment. What was that Angel said about `momentary living phases'… shit, I dunno. Fuck that – this is too good a moment to give up. It's a moment that's gonna last the night. I'll deal with the after-effects, well, after.
I don't think payback has never been so pleasurable.
...continued in You'll Understand...