by Sarah Meyers
Disclaimer: They'll never be mine so I don't see why I have to write this
stupid disclaimer all the time..Lol
Spoilers: None at all..
Dedication: Dev, this is for you... I hope you can understand what the real point of this is, and I hope you know how much I love you.
Baby I want you, like the roses want the rain. You know I need you, like a poet needs the pain. I would give anything, my blood my love my life. If you were in these arms tonight. I’d hold you, I’d need you, I get down on my knees for you, And make everything alright, if you were in these arms, I’d love you, I’d please you, I’d tell you that I’d never leave you, And love you till the end of time, if you were in these arms tonight. -In These Arms- Bon Jovi
I lay in bed now, watching the girl I love sleep and it's the most beautiful sight I can ever recall seeing in my life. If you asked anyone, they'd tell you it was impossible for someone like me to find such joy in a simple thing, but no one else really knows me. She's the only one that I can bear all to, that I trust with my heart and my emotions. She's become my entire world in such a small amount of time, and I'm becoming the same to her.
I watch as her chest rises and falls with every breath, and the way her lips curl up in a small smile in her slumber. She's here, in my bed, in this crappy small hotel room and I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough for her. I don't have money, I don't have a decent past, and I'll never be able to give her all the things that I wish I could.
I don't know when it happened, or even how my walls came crashing down so fast but they have. As I try to get out of the bed, I hear her whimper softly in protest and she snuggles up to me almost instinctively without even waking up. It's moments like these, when she doesn't know I'm watching her that I realize just how amazing she is.
I've never once been loved in my life, though many people claimed they have loved me. In the end, it became nothing more than a word used to disguise hurt. It was always something used to hurt me, to throw back in my face. I've been cheated on, been beated on but I finally grew up. It took a long time, even a few years of using people until I realized love wasn't just a word that brought hurt. She's proven it to me.
We haven't known each other for a long time even, but we've already found our way to each other and I plan on never letting go of what we have. Maybe there's no such thing as love at first sight, but maybe there is. For all I know, I might have loved her before we even met. But I learned that when love happens doesn't matter, all that matters is that it does happen.
At first I was scared, I wanted to run before she could ever fall for someone like me. I don't know how to be a good girlfriend, much less a good anything. I tried to get the nerve to run before I could hurt her, but every time I saw her I became helpless to do anything but fall even harder. Now she's become my everything, and that scares me even more.
I've certainly never needed anyone in my life before, but now I need her more than I knew possible. I worry that it'll scare her off, to have me being so dependant on her but it's a risk I take. I suppose love is nothing more than a risk and maybe in the end I'll get to be one of those people you read about that get those happily ever after endings.
I still wonder how she can love me, when I think of myself as nothing more than a screw up. I've hurt people; probably just as many that have hurt me. She tries to reassure me that things will be okay, as do her friends but I'm jaded by my past. One day I might break free of my past, but until I do I hope I can keep her happy. There's still so much she doesn't know, and some things I wonder if I'll ever be able to tell her. In the end, we hardly know about each other's pasts but I'm realizing that what matters isn't the past, but the present.
I want to be a better person for her, even if she thinks I'm already good enough. There are so many things I need to work on, even though she doesn't yet realize it. Sometimes when we talk I wonder if I'm even myself, or if I come off sounding like a cocky fool when I'm really scared as hell. Maybe it's all too fast, maybe I'm coming on too strong but it's all I can do. It's who I am, and I hope she'll always love me for it. For surely, I'll always love her.
She stirs in the bed now, and I know she's waking up as she tightens her hold on me. I brush a few strands of hair behind her ear and kiss her softly before she even gets to open her eyes. "Morning B," I whisper, pushing all of my thoughts aside. Maybe one day I'll be able to share them all with her, one day when I'm not afraid of her realizing that she's so much better than me.
"I like waking up like that," she tells me softly as she kisses my cheek.
"Well I like waking you up like that," I replied with a small smile. Another night gone without sleep, but it doesn't seem to matter any more. I can always sleep while she's in school.
"Then I'll have to start spending the night more." I give her a winning grin at that, and her smile seems to match mine. She starts to get up since she still has to go to school, but she stops and looks at me seriously. "And Faith," she pauses for a moment before leaning closer to me. "I love you," she whispers and the rest of the world melts away in that moment.
"I love you too B," I reply when I finally find my voice. If only I could make her realize just how much I really do love her. One day I will...One day, when I really am good enough for her.