by Sarah Meyers
Spoilers: 'Bad Girls' I guess but that's it..
Author's Notes: My first real song fic, so be nice. The song is called "Change" by Good Charlotte. Go buy their cd! They're the best. If this comes out all weird, it's not my fault since I'm posting this from work. Lol. This, along with everything else I've written lately is for, and inspired by Anne.
~I am lost in see through I think you lost yourself too Throughout all of this confusion I hope I somehow get to you~
We were sitting around my dinky motel room watching tv like we often did now. Things have been rough lately and B's pretty persistent on keeping me company at night. I can't blame her, I guess, since I've been going through hell lately and as much as I make it seems like I'd rather have her leave me alone, I'm glad she stays with me.
I accidentally killed a man a few weeks ago. B hasn't left me alone since. At first it really pissed me off, her coming around acting like she knows what's best for me and shit. But then she kept insisting, over and over again that I let her help me through this. I held out for a while, but then she started pouting at me and I just kinda melted. I never did want to make B sad and by trying to push her away it's all I was doing.
~I practiced all the things I'd say To tell you how I feel And when I finally get my chance I all seems so surreal~
"What are you thinking?" she asks as she makes herself more comfortable on my bed.
I just smile at her and give her my usual reply. "Nothing," I say just before turning my attention back to the stupid infomercial on tv. I can tell that she's still looking at me and I just smirk a little, wondering if she's going to press me on the issue, and if I'll actually be able to tell her the truth.
~'Cuz from the first time I saw you I only thought about you I didn't know you, I wanted to hold onto The things you'd never say to me~
"It's not nothing Faith," she replies and I turn my attention to her again. "You were doing that little thing with your eyebrows that you always do when you're deep in thought. So spill it," she says. Normally I don't like people telling me what to do, but she's got a playful tone in her voice and I can't help but find it cute.
"I don't think you want to know B," I say eventually. It comes out more of a challenge than it was intended to, because I know she doesn't want to know what I'm really thinking.
"Well I think I do, so tell me what you were thinking." She pouts, but I can tell it's taking all her resolve to not just grin.
"Think you can handle it?" I say, this time it is a challenge. What can I say, speak first, think later.
"Why don't you try me?" she challenges back, and there's no way I can stop myself from what I'm about to say. Here goes nothing.
"I think I'm in love with you," I confess, and I make sure I sound serious so she doesn't think I'm only playing around.
She looks a little shocked, but she's not running or cussing me out yet so that's a good thing, right? Her mouth hangs open for a few seconds and she just looks at me like she's gone comatose or something. "Oh," she says eventually, and even I don't know how to respond to that one.
~But you said 'You can't change the way you feel' (I could never do that, I could never do that) But you can't tell me this ain't real 'cuz this is real (And you can see right through that) In the end it's all I've got So I'm gonna hold on and on and on~
What does 'oh' mean? Obviously it's not an 'I love you too, lets run away together' kind of 'oh' but it didn't seem like a rejection either. Who am I kidding? B loving me is an impossible dream.
But then, maybe it's better this way. At least if she doesn't love me back I can't hurt her. I know I would somehow, I always hurt the people I care about. One thing's for sure though, no matter what she does or doesn't feel, I can't let go of how I feel. I can't stop loving her. It's all I've got to keep me going these days.
~And now you've got me watching your eyes (Watching just to see, watching just to see) Got me waiting just to see (If you'll ever look at me) If it goes away it never will (But will it ever go, will it ever go my way?) Your eyes are watching me~
She's got her eyes on me, and it's almost as if she thinks staring at me is going to provide her with some answer. Maybe she's there thinking Iím disgusting, or that she hates me but I really can't tell. Normally this is where I get up and run, too afraid to face the consequences of my actions but I can't. For one, this is my place and I'd have nowhere else to go. But that's not really the reason either. The real reason is simply because I'm helpless when it comes to her and it's as if her eyes on me have rendered me immobile.
"What are you thinking B?" I ask cautiously. I figure I've got nothing left to loose now so I might as well put it all on the line. I can't do that though if she won't talk to me.
~And now you've got me thinking about The first time that I met you Standing in a crowded room But I could only see you~
"Everything and nothing all at once," she replies after a few more minutes. She notices my look of confusion at her statement and smiles at me. "It's like I'm thinking about everything that's happened since we met. But then there's so many thoughts happening so fast, I'm not really registering them all so it's almost both. That doesn't make sense does it?"
I let myself smile at her and she laughs a little. At least she doesn't hate me, and that's a good thing. "I guess not. I shouldn't have told you but every time we're together it's like there's this-"
"Connection," she finished for me and I nodded at her.
~And I hope my words will get through 'Cuz now I can't forget you I wanna tell you, if only I could reach you And make you feel this way~
God, this is torture. How can she say that? It's like she gets it but doesn't. Can't she just understand? We share something that no two people in the world have ever shared before. But it's more than slaying, it's an understanding of what it really means to live. How can we share so much yet have so little in common? There's so many contradictions.
"B," I say softly as I look at her. "You gotta tell me something here. I mean, you can't just stare at me all day. Do you hate me or think I'm fucked up? Do you not care? Talk to me," I almost pleaded. This may be torture, but I'm the one who brought it on by telling her how I feel.
~But you said 'You can't change the way you feel' (I could never do that, I could never do that) But you can't tell me this ain't real 'cuz this is real (And you can see right through that) In the end it's all I've got (So I can hold onto that) So I'm gonna hold on and on and on~
She watches me for a few more minutes and I'm starting to wonder if it'd be easier if she just told me she hated me and stormed off. But she's smiling at me and it's seeming to have a calming effect on me, telling me to just be a little more patient. "You can't change the way you feel Faith," she tells me and I can feel my heart drop to the floor. What do I even say now?
"But I think I realize I can't change the way I feel either. I tried, but now that you tell me how you feel I guess I don't want to change it," she says. I'm trying to figure out what the hell she meant by that and I must have done something because she started laughing softly. "It means I love you too Faith."
Now it's my turn to stare. I open my mouth to speak, demanding myself to say something, anything but I can't make anything come out. I guess I didn't have to speak though, because before I can even form a coherent thought about what she just said, I feel her lips softly pressed against mine. It takes me a second to process the fact that the girl of my dreams is kissing me, but once I do I kiss her back.
When we break apart I just pull her into my arms, too stunned to say anything after what just happened. The only thing I know is, it looks like I got the girl and I'm gonna hold onto her for the rest of my life.