Stepping Stones: Generic Meds
by Alexandra J. Campbell aka FuffyChick45
Disclaimer: Joss is god, all hail Joss, he owns them.
Author's Notes: Faith Pov, set during 'Touched'.
Feedback: YES please! :D
I've been up for an hour straight staring at the ceiling. I don't know when he got outta bed….lord knows I don't give a damn. Can't call it karma cause I don't feel bad about it. You can barely call it compensation, but I suspect he knew since we were in her bed. My senses were keen enough to pick up the faint scent of her ingrained in the sheets. My eyes were closed so tight I thought the blackness was reality, but hell, might as well be.
Light has barely begun to stream through and it's already too bright. Too soon. From wherever she is I can picture the rays beaming in from billions of miles away past a fogged up window to her skin. That perfect skin. The way she glows puts the U.Vs to shame, as if they were traveling to their Mecca. To the source of if all. To everything they believe in and if I were capable I'd be doing the same damn thing.
I'd look at the clock, but the blaring red numbers remind me of a stop light at some abandoned intersection. Kinda similar to last night cept' I didn't put on the brakes. No regrets though. He needed a fix. I needed a fix. And I don't have any guilt because I don't think he was thinking about me. Come to thinking about it though.. I wouldn't have guilt anyways.
His skin wasn't the greatest thing to find solace in. It wasn't smooth enough to pass for a woman's, but it was skin none-the-less and with her scent all around me I thought it might suffice.
Truth is I'm drunk. Drunk with lust. With fear… Confusion. With a love that nobody (well cept' the Mayor) knows about. Tremors from last night haven't subsided, but they weren't from him, they were from her. The way I placed my hands on him I'm surprised he couldn't tell, then again, he probably hadn't been with a woman in forever. Just assuming, but I drove most the time-dead give away. And when he rolled us over all I could do is push his face down, grip that bald-ass head of his, and imagine a mane of gold. He didn't flinch once.
I kissed him how I would have kissed her. I caressed him how I would have her, but I bite my tongue and swallowed everything I would have said proving further that fantasy isn't bittersweet, just bitter.
Still something ritualistic about my tendencies you know? It's something that divides me even further from anyone who's ever loved her. Sleeping with all the fucking cast-offs. Xander, Angel, Riley, and now Wood….Shit. No matter how much I've grown…how much I've changed she's still inside me and always will be. Far deeper than the cut she gave me can ever be. I swear.. I'm bleeding B. Eternal….internal… til the day I'm axed and long after and it stings like a bitch… like you wouldn't believe. Trying to imagine moving from this bed and even here alone it feels like she's here just enough to hold me down.
So I pull the sheets to me and turn the pillow underneath me over trying to revel in the only musk of hers not tainted, but in the midst of the semi-soaked sheets I can't find the difference anymore. She's monopolizing my senses. It's all hallow. I didn't feel, breath, see, hear, or taste him. It was all her. Who the hell am I kidding though… it's always all her.
I'm not sated. I'll be increasingly hungry for what I don't have, but I'm used to it. And until the day I get what I need I'm turning myself off. It's no skin off my back taking the coldest reality and sugar coating it with thoughts of some oblivion, the way I figure she's doing with Spike, til she comes round'. I've been doing that my whole life. It's nothing new.
Sheets are cold now. No longer and heat radiating through the fibers, but I know they felt that way the whole night. I was just too numb to notice. Pleasantly numb. Inviting the ride. Experiencing the lie. Living out the delusion.
Still reluctant to move my bones ache feeling her as if she was between my thighs again. So willing. Pressing down on me. Making it impossible to move. The air is heavy and if I squint hard enough between the tears that start to form it's even shaped like her.
I've learned to bring some sobriety to the situation. Not to go psycho in the clutch. Distancing myself from her enough to distance me from me… it saves ya from insanity baby. Some things are worth more and until I get the right prescription the pills I pop will all be Generic Meds.
...continued in Further Confirmation...